Wish
by star-siren
Summary: What does a broken person wish for? Set during the R-season


She stretched tiredly, looking at the stack of paper on her desk with a rather pleased expression upon her face. There was only one more paper to grade…

She took one look at the name scribbled onto the paper and instantly, her smile vanished, replaced by a surprised, if somewhat confused expression.

"Tsukino Usagi? She did her homework?" Ms. Haruna shook her head, a small smile gracing her face. "Maybe she's finally learning…but what could she wish for?" Ms. Haruna's smile remained on her face as she wondered of what the innocent girl could have possibly written her essay on…could possibly wish for…an unlimited supply of ice cream perhaps, or even, knowing Usagi, for the only mandatory period in school to be lunch.

At least, that was what the Usagi she had grown accustomed to and yes, even quite fond of, would have wished for. But for the past couple of weeks, the Usagi she had known seemed to have fled, replaced by a silent stranger who appeared in class with blank eyes. The tears that she had seen slide down the smooth features of the usually cheerful blonde as she slept through her class had created a stir in Ms. Haruna's heart, and she found she could not bring herself to put as much effort into berating the obviously distraught girl.

But what it was that had caused such a dramatic change in the formerly lively girl was a mystery to Ms. Haruna…it was a mystery to much of the school, who had grown to adore the childlike innocence of the bubbly blonde. Rumors were abound, yet Ms. Haruna ignored them, wishing to know truth rather than lies…

Glancing down at the paper, Ms. Haruna realized that the paper was actually quite long and there was a short note directed towards her at the top.

I don't know why I'm actually bothering to do this assignment, but I guess it's because I need to. Today you asked us to write about what we would wish for if we could be granted one wish and one wish only. Well Ms. Haruna, here's my answer, and I'm sorry if you don't like it. Fail me if you want, pretend to lose it, I don't care…just please…don't let anyone else know…

"Usagi-san, I need to speak with you for a moment."

Usagi turned around at the sound of her teacher's voice. Nodding, she turned to Makoto and Naru, whom she had been leaving the classroom with. "I'll catch up with you both later…ja!"

Ms. Haruna waited until the rest of the class left the room before she closed the door and faced the short girl who stood nervously in front of her.

"Usagi-san—"

"I know this is about the essay, Ms. Haruna. You won't tell anyone, will you?" Usagi asked worriedly.

"I don't know, Usagi-san…your essay was….so unexpected."

"Unexpected? Ms. Haruna, you don't mean you're going to tell everyone just because I did my homework, are you! Please, Ms. Haruna, don't! I'll do my homework every night, I promise! I'll even come in early! Please, just don't tell anyone." Ms. Haruna watched in awe as the girl continued to ramble on, sure that a faint smile would have been threatening to make its presence upon her lips at the sight had she not found the situation so serious.

"No, Usagi-san, I meant that it was not at all like you. I didn't expect it to be so…upsetting."

"I didn't upset you, did I?" Usagi was quick to ask.

"You worried me—please, sit down, Usagi-san." Waiting until Usagi took her seat, Ms. Haruna thought back to the essay.

""Your essay was well-written, Usagi-san…but it was not what I would have imagined coming from you," Ms. Haruna sent the petite girl a look to quiet the words she had already begun to say. "What I mean is…it's so much more…serious, than I've ever thought I would hear from you." Ms. Haruna stopped, surprised at the bitter laugh that came from the girl sitting before her.

"Serious?" Usagi laughed again, her laughter cutting in the scorn it held. "Of course not, Ms. Haruna…I can't be serious, can I? Not once…not even when it _hurts_….I'm Usagi, I'm not _allowed_ to be serious! It's a sign of the end of the world if I am!" A deep hurt resounded in her tone, and Ms. Haruna instantly felt guilty.

"I'm sorry, Usagi-san, that's not what I meant! I simply meant that," she paused, searching for the words. "For someone that is normally so…rambunctious, as yourself, it was a large surprise to read something so…so…" she trailed off, unable to find the word.

"You're not going to tell anyone, are you?" Usagi asked, eyes worried.

"I'm worried about you, Usagi-san. I think you should talk to someone about this—where are you going!" Ms. Haruna asked the already fleeing Usagi.

"Sorry, Ms. Haruna, but there's nothing to worry about, really! It was a joke, just a joke!" Usagi laughed nervously, pausing in her escape to attempt to reassure her teacher. "Really, I'm fine!" Usagi laughed as if to prove her point and rushed out of the room, hastily slamming the door shut behind her.

Ms. Haruna stared at the door a long moment.

"You're not fine, Usagi-san…and I'm sorry, but someone needs to know."

Tsukino Kenji and his wife, Ikuko, stood side-by-side, drawing support from each other, yet both still equally nervous.

"Why do you think Haruna-san called us, Kenji?" Ikuko asked, her face composed though her eyes darted from her husband's face to the door that was closed before her, hiding behind it the answer she sought. "Do you think something happened with Usagi?" A mother's intuition was never wrong, and Ikuko's had been sending her warnings about Usagi for quite some time. But it seemed every time she tried to talk to her oldest child, she simply made it worse, eliciting only a saddened cry and a quick departure from her tearful daughter.

"Of course not," Kenji reassured his wife, "Usagi's a good kid…" But even he wondered why his daughter's teacher had called them and requested a parent-teacher conference immediately, stating it to be of urgent business. _Urgent_, she had said…but what could be so urgent as to send a teacher to ask for parents to come in at that moment in such a troubled voice?

'Well, there's only one way to find out…' and Kenji opened the door, allowing his wife to step in before him.

"Ah, Tsukino-san," The auburn-haired teacher stood up from her desk, motioning for them to seat themselves.

"Haruna-san," Ikuko spoke before another word could be uttered, "Please, just let us know what this is about. Is there something wrong with Usagi?"

There was, both Kenji and Ikuko knew it, if not by the churning in their stomachs at the thought of the cold and depressed stranger that had taken place of their usually warm daughter, then by the worried shadow that crossed over the teacher's face at the mention of their daughter.

"I'm afraid there is," the teacher's voice was solemn, her eyes, serious. "Please—don't be alarmed…it's about the change in Usagi—please know that we—the school—have come to love her depth of love and acceptance…her love for feeling."

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Haruna-san…" Ikuko shook her head. "I realize Usagi hasn't been herself lately, but I don't understand what this has to do with anything."

"Perhaps you should read this," the teacher handed them a paper that held the familiar writing of their daughter, though, Ikuko noticed, it lacked the signature bunny that Usagi never forgot to include.

"What is this?" Kenji asked, not bothering to read the paper.

"It's Usagi-san's homework—"

"What's wrong with Usagi doing her homework! We've always encouraged her to—"

"Tsukino-san, Usagi-san doing her homework is not the problem, it is what she says that is!" When she was sure there would be no interruptions from the only male in the room, she continued. "I asked for the class to write about what it is they would wish for if one wish of theirs would be granted. I never expected such a wish from anyone, much less Usagi…Please, just read it."

She waited patiently as they read it, feeling her guilt of telling them and therefore betraying Usagi's trust decreasing as she saw their expressions go from a startled worry into a pensive need to help. However, her guilt became a large tidal wave that threatened to consume her as she saw the fear in their eyes and realized the insecurities and doubts that now plagued their thoughts on their parenting abilities.

"I never knew…" Ikuko cried, burying her face in her hands. "Why doesn't she tell me, Kenji, why!"

Kenji, his own eyes lost and distant, merely held his sobbing wife, his own eyes teary.

"Haruna-san, what can we do?"

"Cherry Hill Temple," Rei used her shoulder to prop the phone to her ear, painting the nails of her other hand a bold red. She set down her nail polish, sitting up from her position on the bed as she heard the person on the other line speak.

"Tsukino-san!" There was a brief pause. "No, Usagi-chan isn't here right now…is something wrong? Essay? Usagi-chan did her work! Well, I'm sure that's no reason to—no, Usagi-chan never mentioned anything about an essay—it says what! Tsukino-san, I'll see what I can find out…of course I'll try to help her—no, no, I'm sure it's nothing big." Rei paused as she heard the next question, unsure of how to answer it. Upon hearing the voice on the other line calling her name repeatedly, she answered, her voice softer.

"Yes, Tsukino-san, I'm still here…I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what this might be about. I think the girls and I can help if we see the essay though—great! I'm on my way—Tsukino-san, are you there? Hello?" Rei stared at the receiver in her hand before shrugging and shaking her head.

"Rude…" She rolled off her bed, grabbing a pink calculator-like devise as she did so. Pressing a button, she waited until she heard four different voices answer her before speaking.

"Be at the temple in one hour!" Her voice was gruff, but she had no time to explain…she had to go to Usagi's house.

"What's going on, Rei?" Luna demanded as soon as she entered the room, having followed Rei back to the temple after seeing her at the Tsukino household.

"I'll tell you when the girls get here," Rei began to read the essay, her face a grim anger.

"Luna?"

"Hm?" Luna groomed herself, insulted at Rei's refusal to tell her what was going on.

"How is Usagi?" Luna looked up, surprised to hear the concern in the girl's voice.

"Usagi is…honestly, I don't know child. She doesn't tell me anything about how she feels anymore! But when she sleeps," Luna's voice became soft, almost as if she was speaking to herself, "When she sleeps…she cries out for him… she cries out for her prince…for the love she lost,""Luna's voice broke, "She cries out for the pain to go away…oh Rei, I'm so worried about her!"

Before Rei could reply back, the door slid open and three girls and a cat entered the room, confusion the dominating presence in their eyes.

"Alright, what's this about Rei?" Minako sat down on one side of the table, "Should we wait for Usagi to begin?"

"I didn't invite Usagi—no, listen! This is about Usagi." Rei began, only to be cut off.

"Are you still trying to become leader?" Makoto sighed. "Listen Rei, I know Usagi has…changed…since her break up, but that's no reason to—"

"I'm not trying to become leader!" Rei grinded out, a fist slamming onto the table before her. "This is about this!" She slapped the essay onto the table.

"What's this?" Ami asked, taking the assignment.

"Usagi's homework—I know, I'm surprised that Odango did her work too—but read what she wrote."

Silence dominated the room as the girls read their friend's assignment, a blend of confusion, anger, and sorrow playing through their faces.

The silence was broken as Makoto stood up, her face now a placid mask.

"It's his fault…I'm going to kill him!" She spun, ready to hunt down her prey and place as much bodily harm upon him as possible.

"I'm coming with you!" Rei stood up as well, violet eyes flashing dangerously with a fiery rage. "He'll regret ever breaking Usagi's heart!" She seethed, walking to the waiting Makoto.

"Girls, wait! Don't—oh, forget it." Ami shook her head, her eyes teary as she stood up from the table with Minako. When Ami had made sure the essay was safely tucked away in her bag, she and Minako ran after the two tempestuous Senshi. Luna looked at Artemis, who shrugged.

"They always were protective of their princess," He stated evenly.

"Should we follow them?" Luna asked, her eyes thoughtful as she wondered about what was written in that letter.

"No, they can take care of themselves…it's Mamoru we should be worried about." Artemis yawned, stretching out his paws before settling down comfortably, "C'mon Luna, it's nap time."

Motoki watched his friend, annoyed at the man's lack of interest in the topic.

"I swear Mamoru!" He threw his hands into the air in frustration, "If you miss Usagi-chan so much, just go see her!"

Mamoru merely grunted and sent his friend a glare.

"Listen, Mamoru," Motoki sat down beside his friend at the counter, "Usagi is like a little sister to me and you're my best friend—and that is the _only_ reason why I didn't punch you when you broke up with her!"

"I thought it was because I was stronger than you," Mamoru bit out, his eyes darkening dangerously at his friend. Motoki ignored him.

"But I can see how much this is killing you and I know it's killing her, so why don't you just _get a brain and ask her back already!"_ The annoyance and anger Motoki felt towards his dense friend was clearly present by the time he had finished speaking. Taking a deep breath, Motoki looked at his friend worriedly.

Mamoru didn't seem to be faring from this break-up any better than Usagi-chan was. He had become so much more withdrawn, his eyes a blank canvas of turbulent blue. Bags hung heavily from his eyes and his cheekbones were more pronounced, testament of the weight he had lost. A bitter air hung about Mamoru, chasing away his admirers and worrying his only friend all the more.

"Listen Mamoru," Motoki began once more, "I'm worried about you—hell, my whole _family_ is worried about you! Why don't you just—"

"CHIBA!" The door slid open and the thunderous voice of two young teens rang throughout the arcade, stopping everyone in their activities.

"Makoto? Rei?" Motoki's confusion and fear of the murderous gleam he saw in the eyes of both younger girls only increased as he saw that Minako and Ami, the two girls he could always count on to hold the other two girls back from unleashing their fiercest temper was not moving to placate the two livid girls.

"Girls?" Mamoru's eyes were a mixture of confusion, uncomprehending of the murderous looks that the two girls directed towards him.

"Chiba," Rei hissed as she and Makoto both made their way to the older man, Makoto's hands already in a fist.

"Erm, girls, can I help you?" Motoki offered them a nervous smile, standing up and blocking the girls from Mamoru, whom he was sure would be their victim. Ami and Minako did nothing save for walk and stop behind the two other incensed girls, their eyes displaying their mental battle between doing what was right and what they wanted to do.

"Move out of the way Motoki, that scum deserves this!" Makoto cracked her knuckles and Motoki paled.

"Now girls, I'm sure—hey!" Motoki found himself landing rather ungracefully on his rear as Rei stared down at him, not showing a hint that it was she who had pushed him away. "You should have moved…" She turned her attention to the now standing Mamoru.

"Chiba," She thrust a finger against his chest as he held up both hands in surrender.

"What's wrong girls?"

"What's wrong!" Makoto cried, "Why I outta," She lunged towards him and Mamoru paled, unable to step away.

"MAKOTO!" Ami and Minako instantly grabbed the tall brunette's arms, holding her back from Mamoru.

"Girls?" Mamoru looked nervously from the tallest Senshi who was clearly in the mood to put him in the hospital.

"What's wrong, Mamoru," Rei hissed out, "Is that YOU are still standing _unharmed_!" She slapped the man who had caused such a drastic change in her princess, "_And_," Here, Makoto broke out of the grip the two girls held her in, instantly punching Mamoru in the stomach. "That Usagi has to go through all of that and you don't give a damn!"

"Wha?" Mamoru gasped out. Makoto wasn't feared for her strength for no reason, after all. "What's wrong with Usak-Usagi!"

"YOU ARE!" Rei shrieked, instantly hitting Mamoru with her fists, as Makoto watched on, impressed. "You men are nothing but trash—_trash_! I'll make you pay for hurting her, I'll make you pay for making her feel that!"

By now, the whole arcade was watching, afraid to help the tall man should that cause the wrath of the girls to be directed at _them_ instead. And so the patrons of the arcade watched with a mixture of pity, concern, and embarrassment as the older man unsuccessfully attempted to block all the blows from the infuriated priestess, known throughout Juuban for her temper and sixth sense.

"Rei!" By now, even Makoto was helping to hold back the priestess, who struggled against the grips they had on her arms.

"I'll kill you," She shouted, "No—you don't deserve that pleasure! I'll make you regret hurting her you damn monster! I'll make you wish you never made her cry, made her wish that!" She seethed, openly cursing the shaken and confused older man even as Makoto and Minako carried her out of the arcade.

"I'm sorry for this," Ami apologized to the arcade, her face flushed with embarrassment.

"What…what was that about?" Motoki asked, staring at the fading forms of the three girls, one still thrashing and struggling to escape from the grips of the stronger two.

"She bit me!" He faintly heard Minako's outraged cry.

"Usagi-chan," the blue-haired girl replied, "Oh Motoki, it's horrible! Usagi, she..she…"

"Did something happened to Usako! Where is she! Is she alright!" Mamoru was instantly on his feet, his eyes wild as he mercilessly shook Ami, his hands holding her shoulders tightly.

"She's fine," Mamoru stopped shaking the younger girl, an embarrassed blush appearing on his face.

"You can't call her Usako anymore, Mamoru-san." Ami whispered, her head bent as she shuffled through the numerous papers in her bag. "Here," She handed Mamoru a paper, "Perhaps this will explain it." And with that, she turned and left, leaving behind two bewildered men.

Mamoru collapsed onto his couch, a hand sweeping through his hair. He had just returned from the arcade in search of solitude and found that solitude, as familiar as it was to him, was a stranger that mocked him. Solitude reminded him that he was alone and would always _be_ alone. But most of all, solitude reminded him that he was without his Usako, and that was what hurt the most.

Speaking of his Usako…(Usagi, he mentally corrected himself. Amy was right, he couldn't call her Usako anymore…)

He reached into the side pocket of his green blazer, grabbing the folded piece of paper that was there. Unfolding it, he began to read it.

By the time he had completed reading it, Mamoru had become deathly pale. Unsteadily, he stood on his feet and glanced at the time.

"Usako," he murmured, voice horrified, "I've got to find Usako." And he ran out of his apartment, dropping the essay as he did so.

The paper slowly floated down to the ground, the only mess in the otherwise spotless room.

I don't know why I'm actually bothering to do this assignment, but I guess it's because I need to. Today you asked us to write about what we would wish for if we could be granted one wish and one wish only. Well Ms. Haruna, here's my answer, and I'm sorry if you don't like it. Fail me if you want, pretend to lose it, I don't care…just please…don't let anyone else know…

_If I could have just one wish granted, I would wish that I couldn't feel. I'm so tired of feeling like this, so tired of this pain. It hurts—it hurts a lot. Sometimes I can hear my heart beating and I cry because even though I can hear my heart, I can't feel it. It's still there, beating, but it's broken…shattered into millions of pieces and there is only one thing in its place now. Pain. _

_And that makes me cry even more, but I need to hide it…because these aren't the types of tears I'm allowed to cry. I'm Usagi, and even though it hurts so much, even though my heart was ripped away and destroyed, I'm not supposed to cry these tears that I do. Because I'm Usagi, and as Usagi, I am only allowed to wail. _

_But I can't stop feeling like a failure. I can't stop pretending that him thinking I'm nothing but a ditzy klutz, a crybaby, and a waste of his time doesn't hurt. I hate pretending. It was pretending that broke my heart._

_He doesn't love me, I know he doesn't. He was pretending for destiny, but I wasn't even good enough for that and he's tired of pretending now. He doesn't say hi to me—whenever he sees me, he's merciless and makes me cry…I don't understand why he acts like that sometimes, but then I remember who I am, and I know that he thinks it's alright to treat me like this because most people do._

_I know they don't mean to, and I always pretended not to care that they thought it was okay to always point out my faults, to make me feel that they were better than me. And in a way, I didn't care because I knew that they didn't mean to. But he does…and it's because of him that I realize now that I'm worthless…_

_I'm a klutz, a ditz…I couldn't possibly understand what they are going through because I have a perfect life with two parents that loves me and an annoying but otherwise okay brother…I could not understand because I never had to worry before, I never had to just cry and let it all out. _

_They tell me all this thinking it is true…thinking that just because I smile and laugh, that just because I fall and wail fake tears, that just because I'm me, I don't understand pain…_

_Don't they realize I feel the pain too? That every time they remind me of my failures, that I feel pain? That my life isn't perfect! That I smile and laugh because if I don't, then all that is left to do is to cry!_

_With him, I forgot about their words. I loved myself because of him…I thought he found all those qualities in me endearing. But he lied…it was all a lie. He did it because he had to, but I drove him away. I made him hate me and it hurts so badly._

_I have four great friends that try to help me…One of them reminds me of my failures all the time and is constantly a nag about them…but I don't mind, because I know she's only trying to make me the best person I could be, and unlike the others who tease and nag me, her nagging is the only way she knows how…so I guess sometimes, I'm a bit flattered because she cares enough to nag._

_They try to help me, but this is one thing they can't help me through. They've helped me so many times—_

_we're sisters, really, Ms. H. And I know it hurts them that I am hurting, so I hide as much pain as I can from them…because I know them, and I don't want them to hurt him._

_He made me love him, made my dreams seem close by—but he was only pretending all that time, and now, he's tired of pretending. I can't blame him—it's me we're talking about, after all. He left, told me he never loved me…how could he love a failure like me? He made me realize that I was a failure…sure, I thought it at times, but I never actually realized it… never actually felt it._

_I'm worthless._

_But I could live with that knowledge—because I've gotten this far, haven't I? No, it's the pain I can't live with…the pain of being trapped—and I'm trapped in so many ways. I'm trapped with the expectations of a life from long ago, trapped with the destiny of a person who was never supposed to exist…I'm trapped in the Usagi that everyone sees…trapped…I'm trapped and suffocated and I want to be freed!_

_Then there's the pain of losing him…and that hurts the most. I thought I had him, but no, destiny had him…I was merely a tool, a pawn…but I'm worthless and not even destiny could keep him with me. He left me…left me in the rain…he loves a little child more than he loves me…but then again, everyone seems to love that little spore more than me._

_My heart wants to be in one piece again and my soul wants the pain to stop. My soul cries the most, because now, I'm beyond empty. I'm nothing. It hurts so badly, and I wish I couldn't feel so that I wouldn't be in this pain right now._

_I wish I couldn't feel, because if I couldn't feel, I wouldn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wouldn't feel that my heart is in so many shattered pieces that can't be placed together. I wouldn't feel my soul crying out for his…I wouldn't feel this rejection that I've grown so accustomed to. I wouldn't feel like such a failure. _

_But most of all…I wouldn't still feel this love for everyone that hurt me, especially for him. I wouldn't feel all this pain and regret…this want to just end it all so that, even if my empty soul would still cry for him, at least my heartache would end. But my soul would ache on, and that keeps me here, my body living as I continue to die from within._

_And I am dieing…I can feel it. Everyday, I grow a little weaker and my heart beats a little slower…And I do nothing to stop it…my only regret is that I was not the better person everyone wanted me to be. My soul has been quieting lately and I know now that it won't be long…I only wish I never had to lie, never had to pretend…I wish that I can love, or at least like myself…but with all those wishes, there is only one that I truly want, because it is too late now to think about the past._

_I wish I couldn't feel._

_But I suppose, when I'm gone, then I wouldn't feel…and my shattered heart will finally be swept up and buried, my tormented soul silenced._

_But until then, I feel this pain that hurts so much…that makes me want to rip out my hair and scream, to throw and shatter, to slam my head against the wall if only to knock myself out so I do not have to feel it, but I cannot ignore it. Looking back on this essay now—and it's a long one, I know…one page, front and back—I realize…if I could have just one wish granted, it would not be to lose my ability to feel…_

_It would be to die because although my soul continues on in pain, at least my heart can no longer ache…I am dieing, and though it is not soon enough, I can wait._

_After all, how long can a person live without a heart?_


End file.
